The New Me

Well today I made a big step.  I took down one of the two remaining pictures.  I replaced it with one of me and my beloved Elyssa.  I need to print out more pictures, but we move next week...  So I havent yet. 

My friend Ken says I should burn every picture I have.  I wont do that though.  Whats the point.  I would still remember every thing, who needs pictures when they can access my memories? 

I decided I will NEVER allow myself to sit around and cry over a man again, not over one who moved on so damn fast anyways.   I am, from this point on, going to be the epitome of strong.  If no one else sees it, I DONT GIVE A SHIT!  I will prove once and for all, to myself, that I can do this and be happy.  I dont need any man to make me happy.  I have my girls.  Thats all I need. 

I may never get married, or have children, but damn it I will make other things happen in my own way.  Just today one of my best friends and biggest supporters had a baby, which I am already in love with from half way across the country.  I can love her babies and all my other friends kids.  God will show me my path.  I may not agree with him all the time but I will follow where he leads me.

Now lets see how long this new found strength lasts!

Thoughts

So I was sitting at my desk today, when I realized, through the incessant hold music at a DC hotel, that I was smiling.  Should I have been, probably not.  Know what was going through my head?  My first day in DC 4 months ago.  I was thinking about how when I walked around the bend in the airport, this beautiful man practically jumped out of his chair to meet me at the first "safe" point!  I was thinking about how it felt for him to hug me, hold me and how the smile on his face looked.  I sat there thinking about how we walked through the airport hand in hand, laughing trying to convince my best friend that he did not meet me at the airport...

Thinking about that first kiss.  How he smiled at me when he touched my face.  How there was complete electricity every time this man touched me.  I swear he would look over at me and smile, like a teenager who got some present he always wanted.  I felt so cherished, so free.

I sat there thinking about how excited he got over little things, showing me his world.  How his eyes lit up when I told him he was sexy. Yeah that is nerdy.  I swear the way he wrapped his arm around me while we watched that video, and would nudge me so that I would look up at him so he could kiss me again, it was like a dream for me had come true. 

I remember how we laid on the bed and talked and snuggled up together and he just laid there running his finger up and down the side of my arm and playing with my hair.  It felt so natural to lay there with him and just be together.   He would get up and put his hand out to pull me off the bed and I would act like I was gonna get up and pull him back down. 

Then we went out and he immediately grabbed my hand.  He would lead me every where and if I managed to be behind him, he would reach behind me to grab my hand and keep me close. 

So I guess all day this stuff was on my  mind and I did every thing I could to keep my mind from wandering back to that perfect day.  It did not work, but I tried.  If it wasnt for my sista from another mista, Tasha, I would have gone nuts today.  I love that chick. 

Some one else pointed one thing out to me, I only still care cause when it comes down to it, we never really had a resolution.  I left and we resumed life with out each other.  So maybe this is why my heart will just not  let go, it got zero closure...

Someone Should Write a How To Book...

So I realized last night as I lay in bed, I just dont know how to be single.  I mean really since I started this blog I havent spent more than 6 months alone.  Maybe this is the problem.  I just dont know who I am as a single person.   Yes, I am starting to learn more about me, who I am with out an attachment.  

Seriously some one should write the how to book on being single...  I, for one, would buy it.  I mean how do you do it?  How do women, hell men too, live the single life and be happy?  If you can answer this I will kiss you!  I'm not even close to playing. 

I mean I guess in a way I didnt know how to breathe without a man telling me what to do, who to be, having some kind of ridiculously high expectation of me.  Really!!!  Shouldnt I be the one setting those standards and if HE doesnt like it he can suck it.  Yes I know thats vulgar to say, but seriously, if you spent any time around me you would realize that is who I am. 

I spent too much time grieving, or as I keep getting told, not grieving, over a man who just quit talking after convincing me to spend alot of money to fly half way across the country to see him.  How did I come away from that one?  Broken.  Emotionally broken.  His fault?  No.  Completely mine.  Why?  Because, again, I dont know how to be single. 

So my goal now is to be single, maybe date, then live it up.  Hell screw that, I'm gonna be "the man" and play the field like you have never seen before.  Naturally, this requires me not wanting to hurl the second a man touches me.  Yeah like that guy I went on the date with on Valentines day.  I swear this man would not quit touching me.  I wanted to slap him, at one point he got up and went to the restroom and I considered running for the door...  The bartender even made the comment that I couldnt have put off more, DONT TOUCH ME vibes! 

I have avoided every date I have been asked on, not gonna lie, I just havent felt ready and I have this annoying knack of making people fall in love with me.  The last thing I have needed or wanted was some love sick man freaking following me around or texting me at all hours of the night and day.  Yeah, see its behaviour like this that makes me say I am so more a man than a girl sometimes.  I manage to totally charm them, then when I show my true colors they think its cute! Are you serious???  What is attractive about a woman who yells "suck my dick" at her roommates?  This is who I am. 

So I am serious when I say, some one should write a how to book on being single!  I promise they would be a millionaire!  I would do it, but well, I dont know how to so I cant write a book about how to do anything!!!

No Matter Where My Reckless Soul Takes Me...

We all have our flaws, we all have our regrets. I guess the question is, how do you deal with them, before they deal with you? I personally get scared when people get too close. I have a hard time trusting anyone. I have a very tough time telling people I love them. Once in my inner circle though, I tend to hang on to them for as long as they will keep me. I have this huge flaw. I allow people to walk on me, I dont like confrontation and will generally do just about anything to avoid it. I go out of my way to make other people happy, to see a smile on my friends and families faces. Some of them, yes, will return that as well. When I decide I love some one, no distance is too far, no cost too great. I put everything into it. No one else matters. I guess that is a flaw too, to some extent. I am blessed to have so many wonderful people around me, who love me and support me regardless of the situation given to me. These girls I live with, my mom, my stepdad, my sister, they all support me, even if they dont agree with my decions. They save me daily. With out knowing it they keep me level.

The One, Do They Really Exist?

How many of us have fallen hard, once, twice, ok admit it, a few times? I mean really fell, you thought that person was the end of it all for you. Lets face it, as women, we tend to fall easier than the men do. At least this has been my experience, either personally or through the ones I love. So what do you think? Does "the one" really exist? How do you know when you have actually found him/her? Some one once told me you would just know. Ok well I did just know, twice. So where the hell is my heart going wrong, cause well I dont fall easy and I generally dont buy into the pretty words or bull. I am hard on people, I dont trust easy. So when that "one" jumped over my, hard to climb, walls, I was shocked and even a little scared. I guess that last statement raises yet another question, if i was scared, why did I "just know" he was it? Well all I knew at that time was he was my best friend, I had a relationship with this man that rivaled any other one I had in my life at that time. All I knew was he was the first and last thing on my mind every day and he was constantly on my mind all day. I could tell you every detail of every time we were together. I knew him like the back of my hand. I could tell you every bad habit, his reputation, but also the man I knew that no one else knew. I knew the things about him that would have shocked other people, the front he put up for everyone else was not the man I got. Yet we werent together. We were the best of friends who made a terrible mistake. We got too close then he got married. To this day he swears hes the happiest man in the world, but he cant look me in the eye and say that. Why? Cause he still cant lie to me. Then there was this last one. With in minutes of meeting this beautiful man, I told my friend Elyssa, "I need to stay away from that one. I have a feeling if I dont that I will be too far gone to look at any one else, ever again." I knew. I just knew, from the very moment I met him. It had nothing to do with his physical appearance, though that was beautiful. It was just this crazy connection I felt to him. I looked him in the eye and before he even told me his name I knew him. Its like I knew exactly who he was and what he was meant for. I spent an entire week watching him but avoiding running into him. If you read this blog, well you know the rest of this story, so I wont go into the Amanda/Kevin saga of stupid. So I ask you, again, what is your thoughts? Does that "One True Love" really exist, for every one?