Slow Down... Or not

This is a sentiment I have been hearing over and over again lately. Like Im rushing into the next part of my life or something. Yeah, like thats even possible. Its hard to rush anything when my life is a mess. I mean the ex is still mad that I left, making it so hard to do anything.

If I can give anyone any one piece of advice, it would be, do not buy a house with some one you arent married to. It screws you in the end. I loved that house, it was my home, I picked it. But now its the one thing keeping me stagnant. If I leave completely he will sue me for breach of contract. So right now I live in two places. Yeah thats awesome isnt it.

Then the whole family is crazy over this whole new relationship. My mom and brother are happy for me. They know there is no way to rush this. I mean seriously I could if I wanted to. But I have been in too many bad relationships that lasted way too long. So why would I mess up something wonderful by moving too fast. Yes the distance sucks, but see heres the deal, we have gotten to know each other so much more than we would have if we were closer to each other. I swear in almost four months I have gotten to know some one I never dreamed was under that exterior. We have missed very few days talking. I get a good morning every day, I get either a text or a call to say good night, every night. Its rare that I dont get that. I adore every single minute I get with him, every single word that comes through in text message. I am happier than I have ever been in my whole life.

The Marine makes me smile every day. He says this is his goal. I keep trying to figure out where I got so lucky with this guy. He amazes me. We were talking Sunday about all the different times we had been sick. I mentioned how healthy I was til I moved to Nebraska. We were talking about pneumonia and how many times each of us have had it. I told him that I developed asthma after the last round of it in May. He then tells me, "Im gonna take care of you." Yeah I was ecstatic at this. This whole conversation took place while he was on duty. I was keeping him entertained.

Long story short we texted from 9 in the morning til he got off work at like 1030 at night. After he told me that he was gonna take care of me, I realized, yes he is. He has every intention of making me happy. So I told him, "You are so sweet, Thats it! I am gonna keep you!" To which he replied, ":) Good!" I adore him.

Honestly though, I dont think we are moving fast. I mean hes there and I am here. Dont get me wrong if the situation was different, I would be excited to move there. There is just so much to get in order before this is even close to an option. But every night he tells me he wishes I was there to curl up with him and sleep. I want that. I cant wait to see him so that I can just lay there with him and talk. I am excited like crazy to be able to look him in the eye when I talk to him. Oh the possibilities...

My best friends

These girls are my best friends, and three of them are my room mates. They save me daily. I dont know what I would do with out them. Ok this picture was taken the very last night of our cruise.

Elyssa, Megan and Nicole are the room mates. We have a ton of fun, talk alot about things most people wouldnt believe. We are blunt, we are loud, we are honest. We have the most interesting conversations.

These three girls have become so much more than my best friends. They are my sisters, soul mates and confidants. They support me and all my decisions. At the same time they tell me when I am doing something stupid. I love them with my whole heart and have no idea what I would do with out them.

My world is a better place for these three beautiful women. I pray that they always know love, have friendship and never feel alone. They have carried me through some of the most challenging times of my life. I can never thank them enough!

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”

This sums it up. This is what I want. This is what I have. I have a wonderful "boyfriend", who isnt scared to tell his friends about me, who tells me I am beautiful. I thank God every day for him. He is the most amazing man I have ever met, and he doesn't even see it. I adore him with every fiber of my being.

He has been moving into a new place all weekend, so its been kind of quiet on the lines. I don't expect him to put down what hes doing to talk to me. I know time is valuable, esp when you have a million things to do, and have a deadline. Out of no where this morning he called me while he was waiting on the boys to return with the truck, he called and we talked for a bit. I was surprised to hear from him. Hes been that busy the last three days. He was so ready for it to be over. When he called it was just to hear my voice. I said hello, his response was, "Hello beautiful, do you miss me? I miss you." I admit, I melted.

Then later, when hes still busy as hell, he sends me a text message. "Hey sweetness, I just wanted to say Hi! I miss you!" Really, who wouldnt want to keep that, I mean really! That is exactly what my response was. "You are super sweet babe, I think I will keep you!"

"The first time you touched me, I knew I was born to be yours."

I know I have said it a few times now. He makes my world go round slightly. I can still feel the way his hand felt the first time he touched mine. I can still feel the way he held me when we were dancing. How when my friends made fun of us, he pulled me closer to him to prove a point to them. The way his arms felt when he would pull me closer or how he felt when he brushed against me seemingly on accident.

Last night he called after we were both off work, I was fired up about something when I answered the phone. I was still finishing my sentence. The girls were laughing at me, and I said "Hi babe!!!" He laughed and said, "Hi sweetness, did I pick a bad time?" Ha! Nope. After that I went on and on for a few minutes about what had gone wrong at work that evening, when he realized, it was my day off. So why was I there? "Well honey, I picked up some one else's hours so that they could meet their son at the airport, for the first time in over a year." He then asks, "Why over a year?" My response, "Well he was deployed to Afghanistan, she hasnt seen him since he left. I know how I would feel if you were gone that long and all I wanted was to see you the first second you walked into the airport." To this I get, "See thats why I want you. You have the heart, you arent gonna decide my job is too much for you, and when I get home you are gonna be there."

We talked for a little while, he had a crappy day at work. He told me all about it. I laughed at how ridiculous parts of it were. Cause well it was pretty ridiculous, not the part where he was upset, but the other person that made him mad. It was sad. I apologized for laughing. He then laughed and told me I made him feel better. Truth is he always makes my stress, anger, and sadness go away. Its like he fixes everything. He always tells me not to stress so much cause it will do me no good. This man seriously makes my world a happier place.

You Will Just Know...

"The first time my heart was broken I thought I was through; I swore I'd never love again and believe me this was true, but when you walked into my life the second your eyes met mine, I knew you were worth loving, just like before, just like the first time."
Source Unknown

I have always been told, that when I met that person, I would just know. So now I wonder if this is the reason the first time I laid eyes on him I knew he was special. I spent an entire week avoiding that man, because I knew if I was to spend the time with him, it would lead to something more. I squealed like a little girl later that night when I ran into him again on the boat. So if you are wondering, the man in the picture, that is my Marine. That is the first moment I met him. Right after he gave me is name, and asked for mine.

He is something else adorable. But he doesn't think he is anything special... Which makes him more amazing to me. I like that hes modest. Lets face it, hes sexy as hell. Trust me on this, everything about the man is beautiful. Yes looks alone are enough to make any girl say, wow. However, I have spent almost 12 weeks getting to know him. The more I learn, the more I cant imagine ever not being with him. He is wonderful.

Saturday night I went out with some friends, for a bachelorette party. He called me when I got home. I had texted him to let him know I was home safely, like he had asked. Yes this is a habit the two of us have. I mean we are in different time zones, so its not like we can just see each other at any time. As I was getting into bed he called, we talked for a while. He had a bad day at work. We talked about it, he asked how our night out was. I was drunk. I didn't lie. I didn't need to, with how giggly I was. After a while it was just us talking really softly. My room mate came in and didn't even know I was on the phone. He told me some girl gave him her number. I told him about the guy at the dance club who asked me to dance and well I said yes. He isnt a jealous person, neither am I. I told him that we were country dancing and the guy told me to stand still, then all the sudden my feet were in the air and I thought I was gonna puke. He laughed and said I should have.

We talked for a long time that night. I mean I was up til 3 which means he was up til 4. He calls me beautiful and gorgeous, all the time. He makes me smile, laugh, feel good. He wakes me up every morning. He tells me good night, every night. He all around makes me a happier person. He makes me want things I have never even dreamed about.

I know God gives us every person for a reason. This man has been my angel. I know that the moment I met him was a blessing. I get to see those beautiful eyes in December, then again in January. I can not wait. Ive never been so excited to see anyone, talk to anyone, or just be with them in my life. Ok Im a mushy fool. I am gonna shut up!

"If, out of time, I could pick one moment and keep it shining, always new, of all the days that I have lived, I'd pick the moment I met you."

Thank You!

Today is Veteran's Day. I for one love several Veterans as well current Servicemen and women. Here is my quick list of who I am thanking today.

Marines
Kevin Sanborn
Kevin McAllister
Tony Garber
Tyler Anthony
Johnathon Miller
Allan Sorensen
David Sanborn
Chris Coleman
Sarah Davis
Charles Pilkington
Robert Guttierrez

Army
Dennis Moore
Marc Ruby
Allan Sorensen (no thats no mistake)
Kenneth Harris
Annette Schlosser
Veronica Martin
Benson Donison

Navy
Doyle Moore
William Sorensen
Carol Stawicki
Tara Norris Boyd
Raymond Sanders
Gregg Harris
Joycelyn Calloway
Ray Derby

Airforce
Hope Stoner
Michael Stoner
Joseph Wolkiewicz
Josh Moore
Doyle Stricker
Brandon Connor

Im sure I left out a lot of people I love. My point though is, freedom is not free. Hardest thing I have ever done is hug my baby sister, Hope, good bye. Not knowing if it was the last time I would see her, as we were saying good bye before a deployment. Not two days before she was set to leave for Iraq, they told her she was not medically cleared. I have thanked God every day for that. Now though, I am the military girl friend. Yes the Marine is listed up there some where, and I know now that if saying good bye to my baby sister was that hard, and she didnt go, then what will I do if he is sent on another deployment. I wish each of these soldiers peace, safety and love. A few of them are former servicemen. With out each of the names on this list, we would not be free every single day. I for one will fight for them, every day, with every breath.

Dreams Part 2

So I blogged previously about a dream I have been having over and over again. I also shared that every time I have the dream there is more detail to it. Well, I had the dream again last night. This time instead of the dream waking me up from upsetting me so badly, its like the Marine had esp that I needed him, my phone went off at 0149 just to tell me good night.

He knows I have been having a disturbing dream, but doesnt know what or who it was about, though he generally can tell when I am holding something back. So I am pretty sure he knows that the dream is concerning him, because he tells me not to stress and worry so much. He always promises that he will be careful when he is out or driving or what ever. Sadly, he knows, already, that I worry too much. Every time I start to worry or stress about anything though he talks me through it, he makes me feel better, he does his best to let me know that he wants to make things better for me. I have not kept any secrets from him. I have been upfront with him from the beginning about the stress involved in my life right now, as there is alot of it. When I have a bad day, he will ask what he can do to make me smile. He has been my angel from the moment I met him. I dont know what I would do with out him at this point. He is truly amazing.

Back to this dream. So like I said, I had the dream again last night. This time though as the guys are trying to get me to go home, and the monitors are going off, they let me go. They actually let me turn around to look at him. Though the monitors are going off, because his heart rate has picked up, and hes breathing is a little unsteady, his eyes are open. Hes looking back and forth between Tony and me, trying to figure out why we are arguing. Now that hes awake theres really no chance that I am leaving. I sit back on my chair, grab his hand again and start talking to him.

This is when my phone rang. He was sending me a good night text. Yeah thats not anything exciting, but it calmed me down and the rest of my night was smooth sailing. I didnt have the dream again after that. I had a peaceful dream. I swear he is an angel.

Its the little things, really...

Ever thought about what makes you happy. I dont mean things like your family, friends, random things, or even a job. I mean really think about this for a minute. What is it that makes you happy? When you are having a bad day, what makes you smile?

Recently I have thought about these things on a very daily basis. If you had known me a few years ago I would have automatically said it was my boyfriend at the time. For a while yes it was something that made me happy. However, I know that I was living a dream, and well reality hit soon after. I loved him, yes. But I was trying to make a life and dream up what I wanted. It doesnt work that way. I had to learn this the hard way.

Now I will tell you its the laughter of my friends, who protect me and make fun of me and love me regardless of everything I do and say. Its a sweet good morning text message at some ungodly hour, just to let me know I am the first thing on their mind. It is a ridiculously obnoxious, long voicemail to tell me all about his day, just because he can. Its calling just to say he wanted to hear my voice.

Yes in a way I guess this is alot like saying, years ago, that happiness was my boyfriend. This is so much different for me. For the first time in my life, I am not scared. I am not freaked out at the idea of some one caring for me. I am excited about my phone ringing. I get a sweet message, voice mail or text, and it makes me smile all day long.

Yes the Marine makes me that ridiculously insane. I adore this man. I can say for the first time in many, many years, that I am 100 % happy with me, and who this person makes me. I am a better person for knowing him.

It truly is the little things, the smallest of gestures, that make me the happiest. All I can do is pray that this will work out. I know its not easy to do the long distance thing, but I know that with effort, prayer and commitment this can work.

dreams

A dream which is not interpreted is like a letter which is not read. ~The Talmud

So I have been having this recurring dream now for several weeks and the more I have it the more detailed it gets. Its starting to scare me, a little. I mean its a little freaky, weird. If you know me and you know my history with dreams, and some strange alliance with whats going to happen, you would understand why. So here is my dream, what do you think?

So I have made no secret of the fact that I am kind of with this Marine, who makes my world go round, just slightly. Well this dream is about him.

The first thing I always remember is me sitting in a hospital room, holding the left hand of a man, with my head down on the bed, between my folded arms. I guess Im sleeping, but every time I get a good look I am crying also. At some point I look up and see him attached to multiple tubes and all kinds of leads, the monitors and oxygen tanks all in their place and running, as he sleeps but not really peacefully. I know hes unconscious. He has cuts on his arms, face, any where else Im brave enough to look.

About the time I am not brave enough to look any more and am ready to sit in my little stool again, holding his hand, his boys walk in. Tony and Tyler, always telling me I should go home, get some rest. Im not doing him any good just sitting here and crying. They will call me if anything changes. Of course Im stubborn and say no. How could I leave, what if he wakes up? What if, anything?

This is how it goes over and over, with me breaking down. This and some where in the break down monitors start going off, and I wake up just in time not to see anything else. But it keeps me awake at night. If I do get sleep I have this dream, and wake up and cant get back to sleep. Its disturbing me enough to make me not want to go to sleep anymore.