I did it again...

Why do I always do this. I manage to piss off the people that I love the most. Last night James called me at work. Well the night was almost over and damn I was really missing him. We talked and well I got frustrated for reasons I dont want to explain. I like my privacy and well with him I keep that sacred. Partly because we are more in depth people than most realize. Partly cause I can keep him to myself still with out anyone else saying "wheres James, whens James gonna come back, we miss James." Ok so I am a bit seclusive. I like having someone I love that few people that I love know. That way hes mine and they dont get his every waking minute. Yes thats what happened with me and Toby. They all wanted him and well I got burned. So no I dont want them all to be around him just yet. Kristy and Katherine have met him. Carey has. A few of the women I work with and Traci met him. Thats more than enough for me. Chris sat in the parking lot and scoped him out like the good butt head he is. Yes I would absolutely adore being with him more often. Things arent as easily done as they are said. But last night I got frustrated and ever so UNcalmly set the phone down to cool off and wait on a customer. Less than a minute later when I picked up the phone he was gone. Or no one answered me when I said his name. So I hung up. Problem is now he wont talk to me. Or he wont answer the phone or return the two calls I have made. Ok well the little joke that he and Hope devised to try to see if he could piss me off worked. Not only did it work it played on a certain insecurity of mine. So did I take to it well.. NO... But the truth to the matter is that I love this fool. James has been there for me no matter what the call... The love I have for him is so much stronger than anything I have ever felt before. No I am not the worlds greatest at expressing this. Yes I tell him that I love him. I just hope he knows that this is very real for me. No one person has ever captivated me the way this crazy man does. He fascinates me, makes me laugh, all it takes is a thought of him or finding a quarter to make me smile. I know what I want. I want him in my life. He's so much more than just my boyfriend. Hes my confidant, my friend, and dare I say it my soul mate. Or at least thats how it feels. He has never passed judgement on me. He tells it to me straight when I am not right. Hes not afraid to be himself. I love him so damn much that I litterally hurt knowing that he wont talk to me about this. I cried for the first time in a while last night. Thinking I had went and screwed up the most beautiful thing that has ever happend to me. My question now is what do I do? But whats even worse is now Hope is feeling horrible for all of this. She was so instumental in making the two of us look closer at each other. Even though he had already done it and I had but wasnt willing to admit that. James krept into my very soul about a year or two ago. No matter where I went or what I was upto he was always in the back of my head. I always wondered how he was or what he was doing. Now I cant help but wonder... Have I lost what I wanted so badly and the one person who loves me with out worry or doubt? Why do I always screw up the best things?? James I love you...