So I was sitting at my desk today, when I realized, through the incessant hold music at a DC hotel, that I was smiling. Should I have been, probably not. Know what was going through my head? My first day in DC 4 months ago. I was thinking about how when I walked around the bend in the airport, this beautiful man practically jumped out of his chair to meet me at the first "safe" point! I was thinking about how it felt for him to hug me, hold me and how the smile on his face looked. I sat there thinking about how we walked through the airport hand in hand, laughing trying to convince my best friend that he did not meet me at the airport...
Thinking about that first kiss. How he smiled at me when he touched my face. How there was complete electricity every time this man touched me. I swear he would look over at me and smile, like a teenager who got some present he always wanted. I felt so cherished, so free.
I sat there thinking about how excited he got over little things, showing me his world. How his eyes lit up when I told him he was sexy. Yeah that is nerdy. I swear the way he wrapped his arm around me while we watched that video, and would nudge me so that I would look up at him so he could kiss me again, it was like a dream for me had come true.
I remember how we laid on the bed and talked and snuggled up together and he just laid there running his finger up and down the side of my arm and playing with my hair. It felt so natural to lay there with him and just be together. He would get up and put his hand out to pull me off the bed and I would act like I was gonna get up and pull him back down.
Then we went out and he immediately grabbed my hand. He would lead me every where and if I managed to be behind him, he would reach behind me to grab my hand and keep me close.
So I guess all day this stuff was on my mind and I did every thing I could to keep my mind from wandering back to that perfect day. It did not work, but I tried. If it wasnt for my sista from another mista, Tasha, I would have gone nuts today. I love that chick.
Some one else pointed one thing out to me, I only still care cause when it comes down to it, we never really had a resolution. I left and we resumed life with out each other. So maybe this is why my heart will just not let go, it got zero closure...
2 comments:
Unfortunately you are not always going to have the opportunity for closure. But it can be so frustrating, because there is so many things you want to say and can't because they will not allow you that opportunity.
If you feel like you need some resolution, write him a letter. And in that letter, be completely honest and just put it all out there. I am not saying that you have to mail him the letter, but just the physical process of addressing those thoughts to him, will help bring you some closure.
In this situation, it might be the only way you have of saying goodbye.
I've actually written the letter a hundred times. I just keep throwing it away. I wish him joy, love and safety. I now know I harbor no Ill will towards him. Only love, just not in a way that I had hoped. :)
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