So I realized last night as I lay in bed, I just dont know how to be single. I mean really since I started this blog I havent spent more than 6 months alone. Maybe this is the problem. I just dont know who I am as a single person. Yes, I am starting to learn more about me, who I am with out an attachment.
Seriously some one should write the how to book on being single... I, for one, would buy it. I mean how do you do it? How do women, hell men too, live the single life and be happy? If you can answer this I will kiss you! I'm not even close to playing.
I mean I guess in a way I didnt know how to breathe without a man telling me what to do, who to be, having some kind of ridiculously high expectation of me. Really!!! Shouldnt I be the one setting those standards and if HE doesnt like it he can suck it. Yes I know thats vulgar to say, but seriously, if you spent any time around me you would realize that is who I am.
I spent too much time grieving, or as I keep getting told, not grieving, over a man who just quit talking after convincing me to spend alot of money to fly half way across the country to see him. How did I come away from that one? Broken. Emotionally broken. His fault? No. Completely mine. Why? Because, again, I dont know how to be single.
So my goal now is to be single, maybe date, then live it up. Hell screw that, I'm gonna be "the man" and play the field like you have never seen before. Naturally, this requires me not wanting to hurl the second a man touches me. Yeah like that guy I went on the date with on Valentines day. I swear this man would not quit touching me. I wanted to slap him, at one point he got up and went to the restroom and I considered running for the door... The bartender even made the comment that I couldnt have put off more, DONT TOUCH ME vibes!
I have avoided every date I have been asked on, not gonna lie, I just havent felt ready and I have this annoying knack of making people fall in love with me. The last thing I have needed or wanted was some love sick man freaking following me around or texting me at all hours of the night and day. Yeah, see its behaviour like this that makes me say I am so more a man than a girl sometimes. I manage to totally charm them, then when I show my true colors they think its cute! Are you serious??? What is attractive about a woman who yells "suck my dick" at her roommates? This is who I am.
So I am serious when I say, some one should write a how to book on being single! I promise they would be a millionaire! I would do it, but well, I dont know how to so I cant write a book about how to do anything!!!
4 comments:
Before my current relationship, I spent over 5 years being single. I went through a phase of no-dating for a couple of years, and then some 3 years of really bad dates.
I have to say that I was glad I was single for so long. It helped me to find out who I was and I did so many great things as a single person. Competed in my first triathlons and first marathons, put myself through grad school and begin the first member of my family to do so, and traveled on my own. It also taught me more about what I wanted in life from myself and from others, and when I was ready for a relationship again, I knew the expectations I had.
Frankly I hate the dating world, I never loved the game and there are so many mixed signals that everyone gives off. And frankly as we get older its hard not to become too cynical.
I guess what I am saying is that as this relationship is coming to an end that I am in, I have the confidence to say that I will be okay. That it will hurt, but that I will make it through. Because I have been there before, and I learned long ago that you have to love yourself first.
But that is what makes life so great, scary, and exciting that there is no how-to book for anything in life. You have to sail your own ship, and sometimes fight the storms on your own. Just know that you are not the only boat out there.
i think this is why we have stayed friends for the last few years. you get it!
i know you have seen the lectures and lashings i have recieved from a few friends lately. its pushed me farther in my hole.
sure i know i havent moved on. i hurt. i loved and still love a man who well just isnt there anymore. so many things i could say about that, but it wouldnt make a difference to a hill of beans. so i keep my mouth shut.
this is the only real place i get that all out and off my chest, why? cause no one yells or tells me i have passed my expiration date so to speak. that my hurt is no longer valid. that the fact that i feel so utterly alone, even though im not, is not the worst thing in the world. hell other than you and a few other people no one says anything, maybe thats what i need.
people who can step back and look at the bigger picture, instead of telling me "oh amanda he was and is an asshole." no he isnt and i wish i could show you that he wasnt, but i cant. so i wont even try. it really frustrates me. they have no idea how many nights i sit up and cry like a fool until i fall asleep. how many nights i am unbearable to be around. how my roommate had to rescue me when i cried so hard and couldnt stop, one night while showering...
single just might be a great thing, i just have to figure out how to be it...
I understand, sometimes our friends are our worst enemies. They mean well, but when it's been a long time since you had any heart ache, its hard to remember how difficult it is to get over. It really is a grieving process, and not everyone heals in the same degrees. We always leave a little bit of our hearts behind in any relationship that meant something to us. I am not going to say it will be easy or that it will be quick, but you will get there. And sometimes you will be very alone, I really do understand. Unlike you, I live alone and don't have girlfriends or roommates around me to bring me out of my dark periods. And I feel you, it's why keep blogging when many have stopped reading my blog all together.
Its a place where I can just get it off my chest, when I am not brave enough to voice it in my everyday life. I understand what you feel, I have had a lot of people in my life belittle or play down what I feel. Many of them mean well, but like I said its hard to remember what it is like to be sad, when you are so happy in your own life. I think that is why some of my friends have stopped calling all together. They don't want to remember how hard it was.
Oh Kristin, this is exactly how I feel. I know I can get it all out here and with a few exceptions, no one I talk to on an every day basis is gonna read my thoughts.
Thats exactly what this blog is, my thoughts. Sometimes they are random... but they are my thoughts, my feelings. I get them out, should no one else ever read them, I am ok with that. I just have to get them out in some way....
My roommates are girls I spent two years with in school who became my sisters. They have seriously had to watch me through bad, really good, and back down to the lowest I have ever been. I guess I fooled myself into thinking that this time, I had really found the man who was gonna be there forever...
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