Christmas is a time when you get homesick - even when you're home. ~Carol Nelson
Every year about this time I start to get excited about all the impending events and fun and magic of the holidays. I have to admit, this year all its doing is making me feel a little hairy. Like maybe I am more alone now than I have been in years. I did several holiday seasons with no family, just a few friends. Yet this year I know that what I am already missing is some one who I wish I could be with every moment of every day. Yes that sounds hokey and slightly, derangely romantic I guess.
I don't look forward to watching every one get excited, every one laughing and smiling at each other. I know that by the time that day hits, I will have had a taste of exactly the present I want most. I will have gone through the part where I have to let go. Saying good bye will be so hard it will probably take it out of me for a while. This is why I don't let myself get attached to anyone. To spare myself the hurt that comes with saying good bye. Here it is just the end of October and I already do not look forward to that day.
I know when every one gets all excited for those silly holidays I will be wishing I was some where else, with some one else. Don't get me wrong I will be so happy to be with my family. I will be. Hell I volunteer to work the holidays so every one else can be with theirs. Its how I work. But for the first time, I am already wishing I was spending it some where else.
Ok Im just feeling whiny today. I will shut up now.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Questions about Love
Love - a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker. ~Author Unknown
Isn't this true though. We all crave the love of another person. Lets be realistic for a moment. Just how many times have you honestly been in love. I can say with all certainty this number for me is probably just 1. He hurt me. He took my heart on a wild ride, used every piece of it and smashed it into the ground the day he got married. Knowing full well that was what he was doing, that he had no intention of being with me, just liked the thrill he got by yanking my chain. Sadly this fool was what I considered my best friend up to the moment that I realized that he wasn't coming back. This man, whose heart and soul I knew, cause he told me every fear he had, every dream, was scared that he was gonna end up alone in life so he married a woman that he didn't love in that way. Of course now days he spends every waking moment trying to convince every one who will listen that she is in fact perfect and he loves her more than anything. I call his bull shit a lot. Hell I'm not even nice to him. I have everything I need to destroy him, all in his own pen. But see that's not the girl I am, and well I really don't like the wife, so eh I am a bitch. What ever. I guess I can deal, besides love is blind, right?
So if say 9 out of 10 loves don't last, why do we want it so bad? What is it that makes us yearn for this malfunction of the heart? Its that delicious high we get when that person speaks our name, touches our skin, breathes on our neck. Yes! Its a higher form of lust! Lust with a need for that person. Not just a need for them physically, but emotionally, and a need for their happiness to be met above the needs and happiness of your self.
Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. ~Robert Heinlein
Why would we sacrifice it all, put our hearts in such limbo for something that may very well be fleeting? Does forever exist? I mean can it really work?
Some one I adore told me that I needed to make me happy because at the end of the day its what really matters. Then why was my response "you make me happy." He responded with something very similar.
Why is my heart not ready to run at the first sign of the "L" word. The word that every one craves, that feeling. I know this path, I have been there before. So why is it that right now I am fearless, where before the thought alone frightened me into building walls. My brain keeps telling me that I should be logical and let this go. Just take my heart out of the equation and don't risk it. But I have a need for this man. I have a gut deep need for him. That yes is scary. But being with him, caring for him, none of that scares me.
Its the attachment that goes along with love that scares me. Like I said earlier, who willingly puts their heart out there to possibly get smashed like mine was before. Yet here I am again, putting it in some one else's hands, willingly. Yes I know that chances are it wont work out, but I also know that chances are that this could be it for me.
Isn't this true though. We all crave the love of another person. Lets be realistic for a moment. Just how many times have you honestly been in love. I can say with all certainty this number for me is probably just 1. He hurt me. He took my heart on a wild ride, used every piece of it and smashed it into the ground the day he got married. Knowing full well that was what he was doing, that he had no intention of being with me, just liked the thrill he got by yanking my chain. Sadly this fool was what I considered my best friend up to the moment that I realized that he wasn't coming back. This man, whose heart and soul I knew, cause he told me every fear he had, every dream, was scared that he was gonna end up alone in life so he married a woman that he didn't love in that way. Of course now days he spends every waking moment trying to convince every one who will listen that she is in fact perfect and he loves her more than anything. I call his bull shit a lot. Hell I'm not even nice to him. I have everything I need to destroy him, all in his own pen. But see that's not the girl I am, and well I really don't like the wife, so eh I am a bitch. What ever. I guess I can deal, besides love is blind, right?
So if say 9 out of 10 loves don't last, why do we want it so bad? What is it that makes us yearn for this malfunction of the heart? Its that delicious high we get when that person speaks our name, touches our skin, breathes on our neck. Yes! Its a higher form of lust! Lust with a need for that person. Not just a need for them physically, but emotionally, and a need for their happiness to be met above the needs and happiness of your self.
Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. ~Robert Heinlein
Why would we sacrifice it all, put our hearts in such limbo for something that may very well be fleeting? Does forever exist? I mean can it really work?
Some one I adore told me that I needed to make me happy because at the end of the day its what really matters. Then why was my response "you make me happy." He responded with something very similar.
Why is my heart not ready to run at the first sign of the "L" word. The word that every one craves, that feeling. I know this path, I have been there before. So why is it that right now I am fearless, where before the thought alone frightened me into building walls. My brain keeps telling me that I should be logical and let this go. Just take my heart out of the equation and don't risk it. But I have a need for this man. I have a gut deep need for him. That yes is scary. But being with him, caring for him, none of that scares me.
Its the attachment that goes along with love that scares me. Like I said earlier, who willingly puts their heart out there to possibly get smashed like mine was before. Yet here I am again, putting it in some one else's hands, willingly. Yes I know that chances are it wont work out, but I also know that chances are that this could be it for me.
And it begins again
So the last time I posted, I was just starting Veterinary Technology classes. Since then, I have graduated college and now hold my Associates of Applied Science degree in Veterinary Technology and am now a licensed Veterinary Technician here in Nebraska! Go me, right? Yeah I love the job. I put a lot of work into it. I spent hours upon hours studying for the VTNE, or Veterinary Technology National Exam, or the boards. Most exciting thing in my life to this point!
Adam and I ended our 5.5 year relationship, now comes the fun of splitting assets and doing something about the house we bought together. Even more fun, right... Things were bad for a while. I feel horrible that I have once again hurt him. But truth of the matter is it just wasn't working and we weren't happy so why prolong it...
In August I went on vacation with 6 of my closest girl friends. We had a blast, Miami, Key West, Bahamas... We cant wait for our next cruise. Amazing. While there we did so many things and had so much fun. I still cant believe I actually got on that boat. Now comes the part that I think was the best. Just an hour or so after getting on the boat, I met some one wonderful, and proceeded to ignore him the whole trip. I was too scared to talk to him. Lets face it, the man is beautiful. There isn't a bad angle to look at him from. Which made him completely intimidating. Apparently I am just as intimidating if you ask him. Cause he spent the whole week trying to figure out how to talk to me with out chickening out. Anyways, the last night he came over and asked me to dance. He spent the evening dancing with my friends and me. We had a blast. I enjoyed the time I had with him. I smiled all night. Every time he touched me I felt an electricity I have never felt in my life. Before we all went back to our cabins for the night he asked my best friend if it was out of line to ask for my phone number, knowing that I had a boyfriend, even if the situation wasn't good. So when she said yes do it, he came over sat next to me and asked if he could keep in touch with me, call me, text me, anything. So I grabbed a napkin, wrote my name and phone number on it, hugged him and said good bye.
The next morning we ported in Miami again. When I woke up and turned on my phone for he for the first time in days, there was a set of text messages waiting. All from him. We talked all day, I mean that like from 7 in the morning to like 1130 or so that night. As the day went on my girl friends all picked on me because of how much I was smiling and seemed to be genuinely enjoying my conversation, apparently they had never seen me smile so much. Tell you how happy I had been?
Now its two months later, to the day, since we met. We talk every day and are planning trips to see each other. I cant wait to hear from him every day. He always finds a way to make me smile. No matter what is going on in my daily life, he amazingly says something to make me feel better. I at the very least get something early every morning to say good morning or tell me that I am missed. For instance, this morning he sent me a wake up text message that read "Morning babe..I feel like today's going to be a great day. The only thing that could make it better is if you were here. Hope you have a good day. Talk to you later." I get something sweet every day.
For the first time in my life I feel like something in this life is right. He makes me want things I never thought I wanted. Yes this scares me. A lot. The attraction I have to him, is huge. I have never felt anything like it. I go to bed every night and pray for this man, I smile every time some one says his name. I am giddy when my phone rings and his name is on it. I am like a teenager, but well the feeling is bigger. I have to say this is where i am confused. I met him two months ago, spent a few hours with him, some how I miss him. How is that possible? I care about him a lot. I cant imagine a world with out him. Again, that scares me.
The thing is I live in Nebraska, he is in DC. I can do my job anywhere, hes told where he has to be, and he loves his job. So if this works out, I could end up half way across the country. See he is a Marine so its not like he can just up and leave when he wants to. This is gonna be the most challenging relationship of my life, but I know that if we try we can make it work. Distance is the biggest enemy we have. Honestly that does not scare me at all. Above all, I know that I cant wait to see his beautiful face again. I cant wait to hold him, touch him, be with him. It so much more than a need to be intimate with some one. I crave his presence. How crazy do I sound?
Adam and I ended our 5.5 year relationship, now comes the fun of splitting assets and doing something about the house we bought together. Even more fun, right... Things were bad for a while. I feel horrible that I have once again hurt him. But truth of the matter is it just wasn't working and we weren't happy so why prolong it...
In August I went on vacation with 6 of my closest girl friends. We had a blast, Miami, Key West, Bahamas... We cant wait for our next cruise. Amazing. While there we did so many things and had so much fun. I still cant believe I actually got on that boat. Now comes the part that I think was the best. Just an hour or so after getting on the boat, I met some one wonderful, and proceeded to ignore him the whole trip. I was too scared to talk to him. Lets face it, the man is beautiful. There isn't a bad angle to look at him from. Which made him completely intimidating. Apparently I am just as intimidating if you ask him. Cause he spent the whole week trying to figure out how to talk to me with out chickening out. Anyways, the last night he came over and asked me to dance. He spent the evening dancing with my friends and me. We had a blast. I enjoyed the time I had with him. I smiled all night. Every time he touched me I felt an electricity I have never felt in my life. Before we all went back to our cabins for the night he asked my best friend if it was out of line to ask for my phone number, knowing that I had a boyfriend, even if the situation wasn't good. So when she said yes do it, he came over sat next to me and asked if he could keep in touch with me, call me, text me, anything. So I grabbed a napkin, wrote my name and phone number on it, hugged him and said good bye.
The next morning we ported in Miami again. When I woke up and turned on my phone for he for the first time in days, there was a set of text messages waiting. All from him. We talked all day, I mean that like from 7 in the morning to like 1130 or so that night. As the day went on my girl friends all picked on me because of how much I was smiling and seemed to be genuinely enjoying my conversation, apparently they had never seen me smile so much. Tell you how happy I had been?
Now its two months later, to the day, since we met. We talk every day and are planning trips to see each other. I cant wait to hear from him every day. He always finds a way to make me smile. No matter what is going on in my daily life, he amazingly says something to make me feel better. I at the very least get something early every morning to say good morning or tell me that I am missed. For instance, this morning he sent me a wake up text message that read "Morning babe..I feel like today's going to be a great day. The only thing that could make it better is if you were here. Hope you have a good day. Talk to you later." I get something sweet every day.
For the first time in my life I feel like something in this life is right. He makes me want things I never thought I wanted. Yes this scares me. A lot. The attraction I have to him, is huge. I have never felt anything like it. I go to bed every night and pray for this man, I smile every time some one says his name. I am giddy when my phone rings and his name is on it. I am like a teenager, but well the feeling is bigger. I have to say this is where i am confused. I met him two months ago, spent a few hours with him, some how I miss him. How is that possible? I care about him a lot. I cant imagine a world with out him. Again, that scares me.
The thing is I live in Nebraska, he is in DC. I can do my job anywhere, hes told where he has to be, and he loves his job. So if this works out, I could end up half way across the country. See he is a Marine so its not like he can just up and leave when he wants to. This is gonna be the most challenging relationship of my life, but I know that if we try we can make it work. Distance is the biggest enemy we have. Honestly that does not scare me at all. Above all, I know that I cant wait to see his beautiful face again. I cant wait to hold him, touch him, be with him. It so much more than a need to be intimate with some one. I crave his presence. How crazy do I sound?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)