Ever sit around and wonder where you lost your way? I do that sometimes. I love the life I have now, but I remember having goals, plans, dreams. Where did they all go?? Some where along the way they got lost.
When I was 17-18 I wanted to be in the Airforce. I wanted to contribute to my country, and see the world. I wanted to do it all on my own. I was fearless.
Then, and I think this is where I lost my way, I met him. He made me think that I wanted something else. Really all he did was control me for 4 years and make me lose that sense of self. Then night he left, I fell apart. I didnt know who I was as a single person. I had long since stopped being able to identify who I was. If you look back the the origins of this blog, thats where it all began. I was a mess.
Now I have, not only, not accomplished the things I wanted then, but they are out of the question. I see all my friends (and my sister) getting married, having babies, and having lives. As far as I can see thats not happening for me. I have a beautiful boyfriend, whom I love dearly, but wonder if he will ever be ready to take that step into the realm of forever. For the first time in my life I really want all those things my friends, and sister, are getting. Why is it that I do indeed feel like I have been left behind?
I mean I practically foam at the mouth when some one shows me their engagement ring, or their happy lives. I just want that. I always told my family I would never get married, at that point I wanted a bigger than life carreer, like maybe the FBI or CIA or carreer military. Then I decided I wanted to go to Police Academy. None of that happened. Then for four years I had a boyfriend who had every woman on the side that you can imagine, and I didnt know about it til after the fact. He had everyone convinced that he was the best thing in the world. But really all he was doing was hurting me the whole time.
Now that I finally have some one I trust, why cant I just be happy living with him, seeing him every day, waking up with him in the morning? Why do I feel so jealous that every one else is getting married? Why do I want that now, when I never really wanted it before?
Why do I feel like super bitch when I mention this to him. Though he really takes it all so well and in stride. He never gets weirded out or walks away when I start freakin myself out. Why cant i just be happy, being.....
Why do I feel so left behind????
PS Im sorry if this sounded whiny. Some times I get depressed and todays been my day.
3 comments:
aahhh...sweets...you have so much life left..and once you are married, a whole lot of other stuff ends. i know it's tough..but try and savor the delicious freedom.
I am 25 and still single. Just think of it like this...by the time you get married, most of those friends who were married young will be getting divorced.
Besides you can't rush love.
You ladies are soo right!
Great insight!
Thank you sooo much!
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